Movie review - Thaai kizhavi (2026) / The GodMother?

 The year is 2026 - 5 years since my last blog post. I've had other avenues for expression, but blogging is definitely more personal.. my own space in the huge cyber-world.

Going through difficult times. Unbelievably stupid and difficult. My own doing. 'Putting-saniyan-in-baniyan' types. Or in Gautam Menon's style - 'one-way ticket' to hell instead of mere heartbreak city (yes, heartbreaks are minor in comparison to the current soup). 

Despite this, I ended up watching a movie twice in theatres. I felt connected MOST of the times. I won't lie, I did zone out in between. But that's not surprising - my body is actually zooming through several parallel universes - like warping through a wormhole. Or skidding at the edge of a gargantuan blackhole. 

Will try to list in bulletpoints about the movie experience. Spoilers may be there ahead. But movie would be enjoyable even if you read these before watching. That's how good the movie is. 

• If you loved Radhika in Jeans movie, you'd ADORE her in Thaai kizhavi. Madamoiselle's best - she's the icing at the top of the cake... no, she's the entire cake! And it's a cakewalk for the veteran. I wish I could watch the behind-the-scene prepping for this role. May be she mimicked an actual old lady from a village? Whatever, low bow to her for bringing Pounuthaayi into existence! 
• Movie is the director's debut?! He's not going to have an easy way ahead - I'm going to look forward to only blockbusters from him. Thanks for setting expectations sky high! And thanks to the producer, Sivakarthikeyan for bringing such talents to the limelight. 
• The bgm by Nivas K Prasanna was apt to the T. Several goosebump moments, milked more than their due with heart-wrenching or gut-wrenching music bits! They've used a lot of hit songs from other movies as per the situation - the magic works- they all come together in a fashion that you are at the edge of your seat (unless you've booked the recliner seat :P !). 
• Growing up with Tamil movies, you are always used to seeing a male hero in the lead. Even in 'female-centric' movies, there's a popular hero in guest appearance at the least. Here, after introducing Radhika, she quickly goes into inaction and other actors carry the film through on their shoulders. You are left expecting some hero face to crop up on the scene - of course, it never happens. When Radhika returns to action, it's all smiles. We are all the happies! 
• Some more directorial brainwaves - naming a character 'Benny Quick', the fevicol flower shop, the karuppasaami lightning moment, Kangaroo adigalar, only-kamal-songs-village-DJ, thooriga-boy, the old man in the photo poses, the 3 daughter-in-laws' character sketch, how the saree-draping style varies from one character to another, the sign language fun. 
• Loved the confidence and how the lead actor simply DOMINATED the screen whenever she appeared. Her arguments on why financial independence is so important for women. Yes, she said it. You can't shut it up now...Let it PIERCE your heart! 

Will keep adding more points as I remember. Publishing this for now :P 

Going beyond empathy in designing solutions?

(Image source)

Thanks to design thinking, the word 'empathy' is 'mainstreamed' now and doesn't sound cliched anymore. But empathy is more about 𝐦𝐲 understanding of the 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫. Is it possible to fully understand another person's reality? In disability awareness and sensitisation workshops, we try out simulation activities for different kinds of disabilities. Blindfolding to understand visual impairment, ear plugs to understand hearing impairment, using wheelchair to understand accessibility barriers in the environment and so on. We barely scratch the surface of understanding the lived experience of a person with disability. Still, we plough ahead and design a solution, based on our understanding. It's bound to fail, obviously. What next?

ITERATE! 

It requires some active mindset to accept failure and even more energy to examine the reasons for the failure and repeat the cycle. Working in the field of disabilities and assistive technology, we come across a lot of bad prototypes and so many incomplete projects. Barely few iterate. May be it's time to modify the design thinking terminologies and humanize the steps after 'empathize' as well. It really requires an act of compassion to go beyond and stick to the cycle. 

Now, don't roll your eyes at 'compassion'. It's only a matter of a few research papers in product designing and some workshops by industry experts. Academia will follow soon and 'compassion' will become part of the 'mainstream', scientific/engineering lingo too, just like 'empathy'. 

Revisiting kids literature

N and I look forward to our 'reading time' everyday. For N, reading means listening and watching me bring alive to her another world filled with her favorite characters. To me, it means spending quality time with her, reliving my childhood memories and seeing these books in a new perspective - as a parent. I have consciously instilled the 'Enid Blyton' bias in N. It's a positive feedback loop I tell these stories to her with more vigour, she feeds off it and responds with equal or more energy. 

We started off with Eric Carle, Julia Donaldson and moved on to Roald Dahl and Enid Blyton, as N's capacity to understand and remember complex plot-lines grew. These books are a worthwhile investment (Eric Carle and JD are quite expensive). They are colourful, inspire imagination, build language and promote values like sharing and inclusion. From the start, I have been looking, with less success, for similar books in Tamil or Malayalam. I have to read and translate English books for N to comprehend. I want equivalent books in our regional language for N's grandparents to read to her too. Currently, they tell her Hindu mythological stories - I have come to see this as a 'can of worms'. I do understand that this is part of our culture and I grew up with these stories (and loved them) too. But now I see the 'Amar Chithra Katha' tales as reeking of violence, patriarchy, 'might is right', unreal black-and-white characterisation. 

I cannot shield my kids forever. This gives me an opportunity to make them aware of these 'forces' in our culture and build their 'self-advocacy skills' to resist it. So I let N listen to these stories and then we have long 'book review' discussions where we compare actual kids' literature with these similarly labelled, harmful books. I go into these discussions hesitatingly, worried if this is too much information for a 4-year old to handle. But I have never been disappointed by N's poise and aplomb to take it all in, weigh it in her head and arrive at her own conclusions. 

Coming back to Enid Blyton... I see my favorite childhood author in a different light now. All her stories reinforce, 'girls sew and clean up while boys 'take care' of them'. Bursts my bubble 😔. We do continue reading the Blyton books, but I filter out this biased content. The books are still filled with fun, food and adventures that N and I love. I'm waiting for N to grow up and read these books on her own and wonder why her amma presented these stories to her differently. 🤔

I am looking forward to buying works of குழந்தைக் கவிஞர் அழ. வள்ளியப்பா (Kids' poet, Azha Valliappa), trying some Tamil books from Tulika and printing some Tamil/Malayalam stories off https://storyweaver.org.in/ . 

Quest for a healthy pasta dish

'Cooking for a picky kid' - it's a tongue-twister and a brain-teaser 😉. Here is how I made a healthy version of N's favourite pasta from scratch, using ingredients usually found in a south Indian home.

1. Pasta dough

This can be made using any of the following flours or combinations. 

• Maida/refined/all-purpose flour - if you are looking for a chewy, tasty, generally likeable pasta version, increase the maida ratio or even go all-out with 100% maida.
• Wholewheat flour/godhumai maavu - if you are a health freak or if you are dealing with maida allergy (I suspect N has it) or if you just like the nutty, wholesome flavor like me. 
• Semolina/rava + Chickpea flour/kadalai maavu combo - I have seen many recipes using this but when I tried, it didn't work out so well for me. The rava flour has to be finely ground for this to succeed.
• Oat flour - I love oats. I'm yet to try making pasta with this. 

My best try so far has been the 80% wholewheat + 20% maida (refined/all-purpose flour) combination. It is both healthy and gives enough elasticity to the dough. 

For example, for one serving, I add 4 tbsp/quarter cup/56g of wholewheat flour and 1 tbsp of maida. 

    2. Pasta shape

I am always looking for new ways to present food to excite N into eating a few mouthfuls more 😅. Here are a few video links and GIFs (trimmed from the video for your convenience 💁) demonstrating how to make different pasta shapes. 

Fettucine 

No-name/I call it 'conch' shape 

Farfalle 

Fusilli 

Spaghetti

• For later use - You could air dry the pasta shapes and store it at 4 degree C in an airtight container. (I haven't tried this yet).
• For immediate use - After shaping the pasta, lubricate it with a few tsp of oil so that the individual pieces don't stick to each other. Boil two cups of water. Add a couple of pinches of salt and a tbsp of oil. Put the pasta in the boiling water for a few minutes, test it for al dente and drain it using a sieve. Your pasta is now ready to be mixed with the sauce.

3. White sauce

N loves white sauce. 

• Quick version - Gently heat a tbsp of butter+some milk (depends on how thick you want the sauce to be)+some shredded cheese+ a pinch of salt (add it towards the end to avoid milk curdling). Toss your pasta in it and serve.
• Longer and tastier version
• Prepare a cup of chicken stock by following this easy recipe.  If you are a vegetarian, may be you could replace this with vegetable stock instead.
• If you love the garlicky flavour, chuck in some finely chopped garlic. 
• Add a tbsp of cream cheese (made using this recipe, it's used in various dishes).
• Add a tbsp of corn flour (after dissolving it in some water to avoid forming clumps).
• Add your favourite veggies like peas, carrot etc. 
• When the sauce is at your preferred consistency, toss in the pasta. 

Food photo created by stockking - www.freepik.com

Pre-loved and re-loved

Proud and prized joint-family heirlooms 

Rusty toy tricycle 

Cracked wooden duck rocker 

Faded pink pattu pavaadai (silk skirt) 

Partially unbeaded necklace 

Passed down from Cousins C to V to So to me to Si to Ja 

- a chain never to be broken. 

Wait with bated breath for the older cousin to outgrow  

For the next little heir to take joyful ownership. 

Reuse - a normal way of life. 

Blissfully ignorant about 'style obsolescence' 

Not sucked into consumerism.

One week, many stories

Dec 10 - 14, 2018 : CIID workshop on 'Design for Inclusion'

Story 1: Serene Bolgatty

The venue was Bolgatty palace in Kochi. Very scenic, peaceful and perfect for brainstorming.






















This is a photo captured by our instructor, Jimmy, when Sajith and I were surfing the net and checking out Ashwasa Bhavan for our field visit. This spot was just outside our classroom but we never opened the door on this side. I stumbled upon it only on the third day when exploring the ground around.

(Sajith is an alumni of NISH from years back and is now doing very well in a corporate. He is Deaf (with capital D. Refer Deaf culture), also owning a startup along with his wife, which is focused on education for the Deaf. )

Story 2: Of theory and practicals

Before the workshop, I was very curious to find out what I would learn there. An international course on inclusion, right here in India is a rarity and literally, a treat for a disability professional. However, I must say, that I was disappointed at the workshop. It was not challenging. I mean, isn't it just common sense : research the problem from all perspectives, brainstorm for all kinds of ideas, prototype and then implement. The theory is that simple. Doing it in real, with all the constraints of practicality, is what makes it challenging. At NISH, we are already dealing with several tight constraints when designing solutions for persons with disability and working together as a team (AT, SLP, OT, PT etc). So the activities in the workshop were boring. Also, after having recently been through a much more intensive course in Fab academy, this seemed very light.




Story 3: Sister Fabiola and Ashwasa Bhavan

Read her interview and story here. I will just say that the first things I saw in Ashwasa Bhavan and felt when I talked to her - were all genuine and heartwarming. The kids in AB are lucky to have her. I hope she would come to NISH some time soon to seek professional help for the 3-year old with Cerebral Palsy in her home.

Story 4: Working my way around unreasonable circumstances

The team discussion was not logical - after our field visit, when we sat down to brainstorm and choose the area of intervention. I tried to reason with myself and decided to go with the flow. Anyways, one week is too less a time to do anything worthwhile. Here the focus was too much on competing with the other teams (!!??) and putting up an impressive show in the final presentation. What can beat talking about a taboo'd topic in front of an audience to create a sensation? Anything less would be boring, even if it is a priority need for the institute that graciously opened its doors for us to conduct our study. It was irritating to find that almost all the teams blamed the caretakers of the various institutes that they visited for the problems the inmates were facing. One team actually showed the photo of each warden and did a character analysis in depth. It was nauseating to me. To me, the caretakers were people doing their best to patch the big, gaping holes of injustice in the society. If we cannot contribute to this, let's at-least not highlight their drawbacks and kill their spirit.

I feel good that I kept my balance (exceeding my own expectations!) and contributed wholeheartedly towards whatever we decided as a team (Of course, Sajith's positive presence and our funny, 'secret' (in full view of others) conversations in sign language helped tremendously ;) :D ).

Story 5: Let's break the taboo!

We put together this miniature 'Girls' corner'. It would, supposedly, encourage the discussion on the tabooed topic of menstruation and thus solve the problems related to that in the home. I didn't think much of the idea. I was just glad that I could show off my designing skills ;), making the 'Period tracker' at the laser-cutter machine.






















Story 6: Misfit by choice

Random social conversations get difficult when the person on the other end fails to understand what it means to be a disability or rehab professional. Outside of NISH, this happens to me all the time. The dialogue tends to trail off awkwardly and I feel sorry for the other person, trying to find an escape route to a more 'relatable' place. Working with people with disability? I must be from another planet. The stigma that persons with disability face in the conservative section of the society tends to rub off on people associated closely with them as well. Quick judgements range from labelling me as a benevolent human being from the heaven serving the needy or an ignoramus who couldn't find a job elsewhere or just plain weird. Fortunately, I'm none of the above. I try to be a professional, following the code of ethics that my job lays down. I agree that my job does require a lot of innate empathy and understanding towards our clients, who are people with special needs. But this is natural. I'm now a 31-year-old like any other but why do I feel (or made to feel?) like a misfit in any social gathering? I have come to terms with this anyways after a lot of times of getting my ego bruised.

At this workshop, I was thankful to have Sajith around. His thoughts on inclusion made more sense to me than what others shared about their (petty) difficulties. After all, he faces exclusion from the majoritarian 'hearing' society. Who else can talk better about it at a workshop on 'Design for inclusion'? Since the interpreter-trainees at NISH had their exams last week, there was none to help Sajith out at this workshop. I had to step up and do the best with my novice signing skills. Actually, it was the other way round. Sajith was doing his best to decipher my signing - he became such an adept at it, that towards the end of the workshop, he would guess what I was going to say, halfway through the sentence. It was as if he was reading my mind. He is very sharp and had such great ideas - meeting and getting to know him was the best part of attending this workshop for me. The other one being the visit to Ashwasa Bhavan and talking to Sister Fabiola. Thanks to CIID for that.

Story 7 : Branding and costs

The cost of the workshop is on the higher side. Sajith and I were sponsored by KSUM, otherwise we won't have made it. It seemed to me that a lot of care and efforts were taken for branding, taking photos, collecting feedback and in general, repeatedly telling each other what a great workshop and experience this is. I was waiting for it to get over and get back to my more interesting life at NISH.

Train of thought - Inclusion

Working at NISH feels like I'm in another world. Where people with diverse abilities are respected and cared for. Although there, we often talk about 'mainstreaming' people with disabilities - which is often a conflict in my head. If we want to 'mainstream' them, we want to change them - that means, we are not accepting them as they are. Then, are we respecting them in the truest sense? Such idle and idealistic thoughts shrank in my head when I mothered a girl. Yanked back to the real world with the pain of healing scars, sleepless nights and anxieties riddled around caring for a newborn and dreaming of her safe and happy future. What would I want for her? Acceptance for whatever she is, of course. But I would not risk that as an expectation out of fantastic ideals. I understood what powered the mothers walking every day to NISH with their wards, sitting through the therapy sessions, picking whatever techniques they could and following up diligently at home.

What triggered this blog today? An article in DC, borrowed from the Spectator and its predecessor. Perspectives from societies which are much ahead of us in terms of inclusion and human rights always make interesting reads.
(In India, Kerala leads in human rights. In Kerala, I work at NISH which is higher up on inclusion and human rights. Being from TN and having spent some years in Singapore, this train of thought and comparisons in my head is quite crowded and chaotic).

The older article talks about political correctness and how the author values it, as a father of a child with autism. I could relate to it, being someone who completely hated the 'politically correct to the power of infinity' atmosphere in Sg... being someone from a small-town in central TN with its heat, rawness, loudness, blatancy, from the opposite end of the 'politically correct' spectrum. Someone who hated the plastic smiles and empty civilities. A brief stay at Boston, where I learnt to be alone and tough and also made some lasting friendships with people from different parts of the world- further reinforced the disbelief in 'political correctness'. My younger self's motto was : 'being raw, open and true is the way to greatness'. Or, is it, always? (What did I mean by 'greatness', by the way?) This is like the conflict between being young and loving 'Hobbit'/'LOTR' and getting older, wiser and relating more to 'Game of Thrones'. Get down to the field. Work at the grassroots. Face the complexities of how the world actually works day by day. You will understand what Simon Barnes is talking about.

Today's article by Ross Clark is also relevant to us, living in a chaotic time (and place) of majority-minority interaction. When we fear each other, whither inclusion? Some excerpts : 'focus on rewarding good behaviour, not inducing punishment for bad behaviour' ;
'Our society has undergone a fantastic transformation in attitudes, but it wasn't brought about by hovering lawyers. They might, on the other hand, succeed in partially reversing it'.

My perception of sign language

Four continuous hours of teaching and I feel more energized at the end than I was at the start of the class. I'm teaching English via Indian Sign Language (ISL) to NISH alumni who are employed in IT companies. A few staff fairly fluent in ISL have volunteered to take turns and coach these students on Saturdays. My turn comes once a month and I usually wait with anticipation for these sessions. 

I remember seeing ISL for the first time in Oct, 2015 at the new staff induction programme at NISH. Babloo, my first ISL teacher was signing with passion, explaining to us what ISL means to the deaf and the problems they face in the society. I was looking at him, wide-eyed (leading to the sign-name that he christened me with) in fascination. My previous exposure to sign language was limited to the interpreter we see in a corner window on the DD news on TV. But this was something different. A native signer in action is a sight to behold. The words are dancing in the air and how each sign captures the meaning of the word is enchanting, to say the least. 

Something else that I appreciate is how the native signers use differentiated communication strategies. When Arun or Babloo sign to me, they use very basic syntax, vocabulary and grammar. These are my teachers and they know my limitations in ISL and they sign slower and simpler to me. When they are signing to each other, it is a different scenario. The signs are flying to and fro rapidly and I'm totally lost when trying to decipher the conversation. This happens with the students who are native signers too. Their signing is plainer and much less exciting when they are communicating with the non-native signers than when they are signing among themselves. I pause to reflect that if only the hearing world was equally empathetic to their limitations in learning an oral language, things would be much better. 

I started learning ISL two years back, while doing some weekly volunteer-teaching sessions for the fresh students at NISH. They learned English from me while I learned ISL from them. I could almost see the chain of instinctive communication that linked us. I would convey a concept to them through broken ISL or with some basic English words in writing and ask them to translate it into perfect ISL for me. The joy of seeing that my explanation has reached them and they could translate it correctly is beyond measure. They are not like regular students when it comes to learning an oral language like English. They rely heavily on visual learning and I have the time of my life figuring out the best way to reach them. Thanks to my technical background, I end up using a lot of graphs to teach language (Yes! :D ). They relate to it instantly and then the session just speeds up and we are reluctant to end it. Along the way, I also try using some technology aids for teaching and they love it. 

I feel liberated when I'm signing. I feel completely at home with my deaf friends. I have often mused upon why I feel this way. Facial expressions and body language are an integral part of sign language grammar. If you signed with a rigid posture (like the interpreter I used to see as a kid on DD news), that is incorrect ISL. Your body has to exude what you want to say. On on hand, this is an art form like dancing. On the other hand, it is hard to pretend when you are communicating in ISL. You can't feel sad and sign that you are happy. It is very difficult to do that. Signing is like laying your heart bare out. It is addictive. 

Baby-talk and mom-brag

The second most wonderful thing about having a baby is to see her learn a language. The first is to blow bubbles on her tummy and see her giggle helplessly :D.

Nila's first syllables were 'pa' and 'ba', when she was around four months old. She would look at me and say 'ba'. After four months, there were some occasional 'Amba's. She would say 'akka' , 'athai', 'chithi', 'ayappa' - any word without 'ma' in it. It was an impatient wait for me to hear her say 'Amma' properly - she did that only when she was nearing her first birthday.

She is now a year-and-a-half old and trying to make sentences. Every new sentence combination that she makes is a surprise to me. How did her brain come up with that? When did she hear us say that? She loves talking and expressing herself. Here are a few examples.

1. She creates situations so that she can use the words she knows :D.

Nila takes a toy elephant. She looks at me and says, "Idhu enna ?" (What is this?), hinting that I should be asking her that question. I comply and ask, 'Idhu enna ?". She instantly replies, "Kutti yaana" (Baby elephant). She puts it under the table, looks at me and prompts, "Enge pochu ?" (Where did it go?). I comply again and repeat it. She bends to point at the toy and say, "Adeela irukku" (It's under the table). She would take it back and say, 'Indha irukku' (Here it is).
The above conversation would go on a loop (literally, again and again!) until she gets distracted by something else.

2. When she tries words for the first time - words that she learns by incidentally listening to us talk in the house.

Praveen is pretending not to notice her when she is jumping dangerously on pillows. She does that just to grab attention and see him react worriedly.
"Appa, pesu" (Dad, talk)
"Appa, vilayadu" (Dad, play)
She was using these verbs for the first time and we were so delighted.

3. Her train of thought. As a mom, I'm always trying to get into her head and guess what she is thinking.

She has the habit of asking "Amma enga?" (Where is mom?) whenever she is upset, even when I'm holding her. I guess it is because she misses me when I'm gone for work and associates that sentence with that feeling every time. She also asks, "Appa/ayyamma/ayyappa/maammai enga?" (Where is dad/grandma/ grandpa?), depending on who she was with, minutes ago, in the next room. She would know that the person is in the next room and still ask the question, on a loop, until she sees the person she is asking for.

This is our conversation yesterday. I was getting tired of her 'enga' questions and tried something different. Seldom do our conversations get so long and meaningful like this one.

Nila : "Ayyappa enga?" (Where is grandpa?)
Me : "Theriyadhu" ( I don't know).
Nila : "Ayyamma enga?" (Where is grandma?)
Me : "Neeya poi thedu" (You go and search for them by yourself).

At this point, I was waiting to see her reaction. I know that she understands the words 'thedu' (search) and 'neeya' (by yourself). I was using these in a new context.

Nila looks at me and says falteringly, "Amma thedu" (Amma, you search).

I laugh hard and repeat, "Neeya thedu. Amma thedamatten" (You search by yourself. Mom won't search).

All this is made even more hilarious by the fact that she knows that her grandparents are in a room a few feet away.

Nila goes halfway towards the room, turns back to me and says, "Paakka mudiyala" (I can't see them).

:D :D Really? Did she just say that?

I say, "Innum thedu" (Search more).

She takes a few more steps towards the room. A step more and she would be in view of her grandparents.  But the girl stops there, turns towards me and says, "Amma, kaanom" (Mom, they are missing).

I had to run, scoop her up in delight and share the 'conversation milestone' with everyone in the house.

May be you are now rolling your eyes and saying to yourself, "Moms!". I can slightly understand why my mom loves bragging about me and my sister (to our embarrassment) to cornered relatives.

Why blog?

Why blog?

I remember asking myself the same question and answering it, 8 years back. My first blog post.

My last blog post was from five years ago. I find a few incomplete, unpublished drafts in the cache. But even that stopped three years ago. Right now, my blog feels like a dilapidated, haunted house from the past. I did write some lengthy posts on facebook - may be I should compile them all here to spruce this place up.

Why did I stop blogging? Somewhere along the way, I lost the interest to express myself. I felt I had to do a lot of introspection in quiet. I felt I was falling into the trap of 'All talk and no do'. I wanted to reach some goals and then return to my blog.

Did I reach anything? May be a few. But I regret having paused blogging. Nothing is worth sacrificing the joy of expression for.

Five years older and a little bundle of joy in hand. Seeing the world through her eyes is just what I needed. I'm older but I feel younger - what a paradox!

I love my job at NISH. It is a pleasure to wake up everyday in the morning and plan the day's tasks. I meet amazing people and learn something new everyday. Working in Assistive Technology (AT) has inculcated in me a deep sense of respect for technology. I'm no longer worried about gadgets taking over people's lives. I'm more anxious to train people to control their gadgets and have a better quality of life. I think that's a big change in perspective. I have a lot of things to share here. For now, I'm doing quite a bit of writing at the Fab academy webpage. May be that's also a reason why I'm back here. The writer's block is gone, thanks to the compulsory weekly documentation.

Gadget sensibility

A short trip in the Singapore MRT can leave one wondering at how much the 'new gen' depends on gadgets. Most of them are used for listening to songs or watching videos or playing games. There is rarely anyone in conversation with the person sitting next to them. On one hand, it seems very dull and monotonous to me. I quickly jump to what I know best - I think of a similar situation in India and conclude that life in India is filled with much more energy and emotions than in Singapore. Of late, I have been training myself to get rid of the bias and think more objectively. In Chennai, the train atmosphere would be clamorous (mostly the engine noise and the rest from jostling, gossiping and griping) and interesting (to observe the antics of beggars and peddlars).  Hardly anything to be proud of.

Coming back to gadgets - when I prefer loneliness to company, I depend on my Ipod. We now have a stable relationship that can almost always rescue me from any 'soup' mood. Here are some albums and playlists and what they mean to me...

Ilayaraja playlist - It has been growing ever since I created it a couple of years ago. It started out with just 10 songs and now it has 155. I belong more to the ARR gen than to IR's. My appreciation of IR's genius can only stem from the musical sensibility that I've developed over years listening to the likes of ARR, Vidhyasagar and YSR. When I listen to Ilaiyaraja's oldies, I have to put up with a below-average sound-recording quality from the ages. But of course,  it's more than a fair tradeoff for the lovely Tamil lyrics ringing with such clarity in my ears in the purest of tunes - not much ado about them. This playlist is a perfect platter of simple and yet delectable songs. Just what the mind needs when the nerves are wrecked and when digital hullabaloo would be the last thing I would want to hear.

Jogging playlist - all the favourite upbeat songs that can make the legs move faster.

Mariyaan - I was hooked on to this album during my Europe trip. It sounded more divine as it linked me to home from that other world. When I listen to it now, it takes me to Barcelona and my beloved friends there.

ARR's Coke studio Magic : 'Zariyaa' and 'Naan yen pirandhen' - These were on loop when I was resting in the tent or awing at the view from 2700m on Rinjani. ARR weaving together talents from different parts of the world, making new sounds with exotic instruments. I felt on top of the world. When I listen to the 2 songs now, I can almost relive those moments.

Why am I rambling pointlessly now? Well, going back to gadgets - if this is the kind of relationship people develop with whatever gadget they are addicted to, I don't blame them. However, I can work on the most serious experiment/analysis or even reading and writing with the Ipod gently playing in my ears.  It more often pushes me to work than not. The same does not hold true for other gadgets. Addictions to games and videos suck ones time, weaken relationships and are ultimately depressing.

Peehechdee: Acknowledgements

On behalf of many like-minded grad students….

1. Coffee

            For all those times (more often than not) when the feet feel leaden and there isn’t one iota of motivation (not even last-minute panic!) to do an experiment or analyze a data – coffee is the only way to trick the body into motion and the brain cells into thinking. O Magical Concoction, we bow low to thee!

2. Ipod

            To shut out all distractions and concentrate on the most boring experiment/analysis that needs to be repeated for the umpteenth time; to blow all negative thoughts of impending failure out of the tired mind ; to get high on favorite lyrics and music ringing in the head - we need ipod blaring into the ears. Even if it irritates fellow labmates trying to get in a word. Ipod, our love.

3. Youtube

            You help us regain our sanity every time. Often overtaking Pubmed in ‘Most visited website’.  (Special thanks to TR and the ‘Annoying orange’).

4. Facebook

            For being the best way to escape reality. When all that remains to cheer about is attention from fb contacts. To browse the timeline and make misplaced judgements on anybody and everybody.

5. Adobe PDF reader

            For all the pirated versions of gripping novels, which are easy on the pocket; save paper and space; make falling asleep much easier and can be nice lunch/travel buddies.

Growing up with Grandparents

My ayamma and ayappa...

Took a giant,brave leap for all the future generations in our family when they moved from Perapatti(a village near Sattur) to Madurai to set up a business that has prospered - with it, the owners as well as the scores of employees.

Took a big share of my parents from me - but gave me back much more than that.

were another pair of parents - but sans all the expectations and with much more blind love to drench me with. I believe that they will still take care of me now even when they are in another realm so far away - perhaps with supernatural powers. ( Is this how faith is born?)

brought to our home scores of relatives as well as a lot of history and values that would have otherwise drifted away from the family.

lived the full circle of life. Can't thank my mom enough for taking good care of them, at the cost of her own desires and freedom - I have had the luxury of feeling carefree like a kid - till 26 years of age, near my ayamma.

I love them. I feel too small - I can only look up to my grandparents with gratitude for being with us for so long and with admiration for all that they did and have left behind.

Cultured

One of the most amazing perks of being a Biologist is to culture cells. It is like keeping a pet animal. The cells need to be passaged every 2 days - I call it washing and feeding them. They would die if I did not passage them. It is like a ritual. Every 2 days, I have to do it for my experiments - but I also feel good when I do it. It is a no-brainer - meditation-like. After meditating through the first few steps of passaging (PBS wash, Trypsinization, Centrifugation, Suspending pellet in medium), I would be focussed and clear in my head to think about how many plates and cells per plate I would need to seed for my experiments.

I love my cells (no pun!). I culture beautiful epithelial cells that grow in colonies and form a monolayer eventually. I remember the days when I first started culturing them - I loved making movies of them moving around - it was fascinating to me. Later, around my quals, I hated them a lot (quite natural,I guess) but now I'm back to loving them again.

One favorite pastime is to compare behaviour of single or collective cells to humans as individuals or society respectively....

Turnover, in Biology, refers to the cycle of depletion of a thing followed by something else replacing it. Turnover is very crucial and has to be happening continuously for most of the biological processes under normal conditions.

                - Though there are several turnover phenomena needed for our body to survive and also for the society as a whole, I love musing upon the emotional subtleties of the humans - it is not only impossible but also detrimental to growth to remain in the same emotional state always. I think it pays off to go through the cycles of emotions - I feel more alive that way.

Contact inhibition - When a cell encounters another cell, its growth gets inhibited. 

               - I leave it to you to figure that one out.

Single cells move faster than collective cells but cells need to remain collective for tissue formation.

              - That's an answer to what you might have ended thinking about in the previous concept. Alone, we can be fast but we need company to remain as a safe and sane society.

Every moving colony of cells has a leader cell. The leader cell is polarized - the front of the cell which explores the environment is distinct from the rear of the cell where it contacts the cells behind it and pulls them forward. 

              - Is that not the same for a leader in any group of humans as well? The leader needs to be sharp, intuitive and adventurous on one side to search for new avenues for the group to grow; on the other side, the leader needs to be down-to-earth, caring and patient with the rest of the group. In the quest for new pastures, the leader can never lose contact with the followers because that can decide the fate of the entire cohort.

These are a few of my idle thoughts while in the lab.

Mid-twenty

I feel...
Happy to have controlled the flaring,out-of-hand,tempestuous feelings but numb to the point of missing them.
Nostalgic so rarely that when I do feel so, it surprises me.
Too old to appreciate masala movies and too young to like movies with a message.
Too old to wear frilly, fancy,colourful dresses and too young for the elegant,boring, plain ones.
Too old to remain single and too young to get committed forever.
Too old to not take a stand in any issue and too young to get opinionated.
Too old to start something new and too young to get settled into a routine.
I feel all that at the same time. I enjoy the confusion.

The smug smile

The smug smile when she fails
The loud gossip behind her back
The 'I told you so' that reinforces your patriarchal instinct
The patronizing look
You can wipe it off your face
If you can't protect her, you don't control her either.

Madhubaanakkadai, Attakathi

While many fellow peehechdees follow American sitcoms, I am going local. The following para is dedicated to a Vijay tv programme. For the review of the movies, go down to the second.

It's not strange that almost everything that I read/watch nowadays stems from something that I hear on Neeya naana or Airtel supersinger. These, atleast, enhance my knowledge in some way. But the latest addition to this list is 'Saravanan Meenakshi' -- if anyone had not bestowed their ridicule on me before, now I know that I will definitely be honoured. But give me a chance. After those vetti school days watching 'Chithi', I have never watched any soap. And I started watching this one only after the lead pair got married - 10 episodes ago. It helps to have room-mates with different tastes - I would never have watched it if she had not watched that episode with the tv blasting in the hall at a high volume. Yes, I did ridicule her and everything about the episode. Later I youtubed for the earliest episodes of the serial - curious to know where this 'great love and chemistry' between the protagonists began. I was surprised by the story and screenplay - and impressed too. So now it's on my list of 'to be watched'. The best thing about the serial is it is so down to earth - the lead pair had not 'born and waited for each other' etc - both had ex-lovers, are very normal humans with their own whims and fancies - it's charming to see how they forgive each other and how their love carries them through - this is new for a Tamil serial - not the usual black or white character portrayal.

Getting to the movies - Madhubaanakkadai was mentioned on Neeya naana and Attakathi on airtel super singer :P ;).

Madhubanakkadai - What happens in a tasmac bar from morning till night... There is enough going on in this place to make a 2.5- hour movie! The characters that visit the place are so well sketched out - that you can instantly relate to them. Some of the dialogues pack such a punch. The curious students, the unemployed, the loser, the fraud, the ruffians - these are normal visitors to a bar. The mental farmer, the sewage-cleaners, the bar-workers who don't drink - they make the movie stand out. Watch it if you are one of those who like comic+cynical movies that might pique you on to some vetti contemplations upon India and her ppl. ;)

Attakathi - A thorough enjoyment. What a screenplay and what a hero! :)  A special mention for 3 of my fav songs - vazhi paarthirundhen, aasai or pulveli and nadukkadalula.....Who would want to watch hollywood or bollywood when blessed with such home-made wonders :))))))))))))

Once a chicken...

I chickened out of scuba diving. With all my gear on. 12 metres underwater. I refused to do the 2 basic, very crucial exercises that would have opened the door to an amazing world. The regulator recovery and the mask clearing.

I am still the chicken that developed a fever just thinking about the next day's swimming lesson; ran around the swimming pool, being chased by the instructor. I closed myself, refusing to let the sea water seep anywhere near my mouth or nose. I was mortified - forgot the basic swimming skills.  I gulped in the water like an ignorant,panicky fool. My first hour in the sea - 6 metres deep - holding on to the rope - I let panic set in heavily to the point of feeling like throwing up. Even the few, cute fish swimming around failed to distract me from my inside war. I had passed the test in the confined swimming pool - why could I not do it in the huge, endless expanse of salt water? I tried thrice. Every time I got out of the water, I felt so terribly ashamed at my inability. But when I got back in the sea to try again, my phobia-clogged brain failed me.  The sea overwhelmed me - scoffing at my attempts to conquer my fear.

The rest of the trip I spent snorkeling - enjoying the unpolluted beauty of Pulao Dayang- I even caught sight of the humphead parrotfish,solemnly lurking near the coral (fringing) reefs close to the shore - a rare sight,even for divers. Those were the most beautiful moments of my life - to be floating above the corals close enough to touch - looking in awe at the little fishes swimming in and out of the corals. It reinforced in me what I was missing by not diving. But I felt thankful for whatever that kept those fringing reefs undamaged and the visibility so good in the deeper places. And that is why I would not recommend you to visit Pulao Dayang - let it stay unpopular. Let the corals flourish. Let the huge schools of jack fish stay under the jetty. Let the halfbeaks,jellyfish pay occasional visits close to the shore. Let me snorkel to enjoy their beauty. May be that way I can forgive myself for not diving.

Nothing to write

Once in a blue moon something comes up,confuses me and makes the question marks,bulbs etc dance over my head. The period in between- I just wait to be confused.The question marks go to sleep frequently. I pretend to know all the answers. Sometimes I hate growing old. What used to enlighten me before, now only boringly reinforces. What must be done to stop age tainting the mind with 'answers'? Why are there so many 'answers' out there to put the mind to peace?

Crowley vs Crichton

It is impressive to read someone criticize a most popular and bestseller novelist with simple, logical and convincing arguments. 

I liked this one : http://www.tnr.com/article/michael-crichtons-scariest-creation?page=0,0 and this one even more : http://www.tnr.com/article/cock-and-bull

I thought I'd read all of MC's novels until I chanced upon Micro and Pirate latitudes - published posthumously. After Micro (about a bunch of Harvard Ph.D. (Biotech) students - nice to read how EXOTIC Ph.D. life can be in a novel), it once again reinforced in me admiration for him - MC is a novelist with tremendous imagination and presentation skills. 'Gripping' would suffice to describe his books. He takes up an issue that intrigues him; after quite a bit of research, he picks up facts favoring his stand on the issue (ignoring the rest) and gives them to the reader in the most palatable fashion - in an absolutely amazing plot. I must admit, though, that I can see through his knack for biased selection of facts only in his 'biotech' plots (Next, Micro). It is amusing but not surprising that people (Politicians!!) quote from his novels and imagine that they are making a scientific argument - as Crowley puts, it is scary.